Shame is a the feeling people experience when they
believe they don't live up to others or their own
expectations. Life is full of expectations, and therefore
opportunities to feel shame, especially when we're young.
Many of our most troubled and troublesome young
people have been told much of their lives that "You
should be ashamed of yourself". Shame can be the
primary disturbance young people seek relief from by
using and abusing alcohol and drug, attempting suicide,
or a host of other such behaviors. It can also be a
secondary disturbance. It can make them keep what they
think and feel a secret, and makes them less like to seek
or accept help that is available to them. People do a lot
of unhealthy, self-defeating things because they keep
secrets. Dr. Ellis used to say, "Shame blocks change".
Shame about the past and present can lead to crippling
anxiety about the future. People often use anger to
protect themselves from feeling ashamed when
confronted by others. Others often then react to that
anger with more anger, and things go downhill from
there. Encouraging people to have USA is part of the
solution. You do that by trying to get them to see that
anything they think, feel, say or do is perfectly
understandable. That doesn't mean it's healthy or
acceptable to others. It just means they'll never be the
first or last person to think, feel, say or do something.
They'll always have a lot of company. We're all what Dr.
Ellis called FHBs, or Fallible Human Beings who at times
think, feel, say and do things that make our lives worse
instead of better. Therefore, it's nothing to be ashamed
of. And beating up on ourselves just makes it harder to
fix what's broken. For the most troubled and
troublesome of our young people, and even adults, it is
often the first and only time they've ever had someone
say something like that to them, and it can have an
instantaneous and very positive effect, and make them
much more receptive to interventions on their behalf.
Tool Kit for Life
To fix anything that's broken, and build something better
the following problems and issues at the same time
the relationship problems people so often struggle with, for now and in the future.
events that might come their way (such as bullying), both now and later in life.
the classroom, in athletics, and in their chosen profession in the future.
effective and make less mistakes with students, especially the most troubled and
troublesome ones. Teach them how to really reduce the stress that so often goes with
their job and protect and improve their own mental, emotional and physical health.
adopted by your state. Make the "tools" part of your approach to RTI.
the mental and emotional challenges that come with being in the classroom that could
undermine their effectiveness and ability to perform at levels you prepare them to
If you analyze all the things that go wrong in the live of
individuals, in schools and families and society as a
whole, you find they are either defined by, or caused by
people generating a dysfunctional amount of emotion,
and what they do because of it, or to get relief from it.
Most people have an external locus of control. They
believe that what others say and do, and what happens,
makes them feel the way they do. This puts them at the
mercy of their life events, often leaves them feeling like a
victim, causes them to feel worse than necessary for
longer than they need to, and to miss many opportunities
to feel better. It's really the thoughts we have about our
life events that cause how we feel, not the events
themselves. Thoughts cause feelings not events. We all
have a host of cognitive choices we make all the time,
usually without realizing that we do, that really determine
how we feel. For example, how we choose to look at
what happens, what meaning we attach to what does,
what we remember about the past, what we imagine will
happen in the future, what we focus on or compare
things to, what we expect of ourselves, others and life in
the first place, and how much importance we attach to
what does happen, or that might. Developing an internal
locus of control involves learning and reminding
ourselves of what the real cause of feelings is, and what
our cognitive choices are, and learning to use that
knowledge to our advantage. Doing these things can be
very empowering, and can help us reduce the frequency,
intensity and duration of troublesome emotions we
generate that might give purpose to unhealthy,
self-defeating or even destructive behavior. Developing
an internal locus also means learning what you do and
don't have control over, and focusing on and working
with what you do control instead of what you don't. We
don't control what others think, feel, say or do. We only
control what we do, and learning to control that is
enough of a task for most people. Finally, developing an
internal locus of control also involves learning to not take
or accept unnecessary responsibility for how others
make themselves feel. Taking or accepting blame for
how other make themselves feel can, and often does play
out in many unfortunate ways.
Free them to be as effective as they can be, for your sake and theirs. Teach them how
to make positive changes in their lives to reduce their risk of health problems and cut
health care costs. Create a better work place environment and better relationships
at your place of business
strategies and new ways of looking at things that allow someone to develop these life
skills. The first life skill is to recognize and appreciate the important role emotion
plays in everyday life. The four most important life skills are:
2) To have an Internal Locus of Control
3) To recognize and correct irrational thinking in themselves and others
4) To have a step-by-step approach to potentially troublesome life events
6) To evaluate their thoughts, feelings and actions with respect to their goals
7) To understand why change is hard, and what it takes to make changes
8) To assert themselves with I Messages
through our schools. Unfortunately, we are not.
2) Gives true response-ability, the ability to respond to life in the best possible way
3) Frees those who are, to stop behaving in unhealthy and self-defeating ways
4) Makes it easier to access and act on helpful health advice and information
5) Makes young people more ready, willing and able to learn
classes or funds to start doing so. Schools could start tomorrow. The best way
would be to first teach teachers these skills for their own sake, and then approach
teaching these skills to students like they now do reading and writing - do it across
the curriculum, with every student, in every class, at every opportunity. Those
things that work best in education occur when everyone is on the same page.
Because thoughts cause feelings, and attitude is always
the father of behavior. Dr. Ellis identified a pattern to the
way people think when they generate a dysfunctional
amount of emotion, and then behave irrationally. It's easy
to teach this pattern and help people learn to recognize
when they and others are thinking irrationally, and then
teach them how to correct such thinking when it is there.
It basically involves applying the scientific method to
everyday life. Every thought someone has, or comment
they make is basically their theory or hypothesis about
the way life is or should be. The question then becomes,
"Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory
or hypothesis? Or does it perhaps refute it, and suggest
a better one?" We teach the scientific method to young
people in science classes all across the country, but
neglect to teach them how to apply it to their everyday
life. It would be a simply matter to do so. Another
simple way is to ask, "Is that a fact or just an opinion".
When people disturb themselves needlessly it's typically
because of opinions they have, which they treat as facts.
The goal, through practice and rehearsal, is to make this
type of questioning and disputing so automatic that it
becomes analogous to spell or grammar check on a
computer.
and easy-to-learn, important life skills. They would be a welcomed addition.
The Chicago Institute for
Rational Emotive Behavioral Education
Motivational-Educational Speaker
Ray Mathis
In math, students are taught that if they approach new
problems in the same step-by-step fashion, they will
more often than not get the right answer. So it is with
approaching everyday problems. Most people
automatically approach new, potentially troublesome life
situations in the same way they have before. It's
because they've created cognitive, emotional and
behavioral "ruts" in their brain pathways from prior
practice and rehearsal. That could be good or bad.
When it's works against them, Dr. Ellis developed a
simple 5 step approach to life events that helps
someone get into the best cognitive and emotional place
to make the best behavioral or lifestyle choice for
themselves and others
A = Activating Event (real and imagined)
B = Beliefs (about event, self, others, life)
C = Consequences (what we feel and do as a
consequence of what we believe about the
event, ourselves, others and life)
D = Disputing (automatic irrational beliefs)
E = Effective Coping Statement (what we
could think or say to ourselves or out loud to
generate a more functional amount of emotion)
People have to be able to get into the right emotional
place to respond instead of react to life, to make the
best possible choices for themselves and others. These
steps help them get there.
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Page 3 USA; Mistaken Goals; Self-Evaluation; Why change is hard
Page 4 Developing an Internal Locus of Control
Page 5 Recognizing Irrational Thinking
Page 6 Correcting Irrational Thinking
Page 7 The ABC Steps; Asserting yourself with I Messages
Offers certification from the Albert Ellis Institute in REBE through graduate courses
from IRI/St.Xavier University. It is co-directed by Terry London, M.S. and Dr. Paul
Hauck, PhD. 219-365-4316
emotional life skills to the education students now receive around our country, and to
teaching these skills to people of all ages.
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Jan 4, 2010
