Why Developing an internal Locus of Control                                    is so important

People often talk about their feelings, and where they come from in semantically imprecise or incorrect ways.  Doing so often causes them to feel worse than they need to, for longer than they need to, and to miss many opportunities to feel better.  We are often quick to correct young people when they speak or write in semantically and grammatically incorrect ways about other things, but rarely do so when they do the same with their feelings.    There are more semantically precise and correct ways to talk that remind us of the power we really do have over our emotional destiny.  For example:                      It's my choice how I look at things                                                                           It's my choice what meaning I attach to what happens                                      It's my choice what I focus on                                                                                   It's my choice what I compare things to                                                                  It's my choice what I expect of myself, others and life                                        It's my choice what I imagine will happen next                                                     It's my choice how much importance I attach to what happens                      It's my choice how I want to feel                                                                               No one upsets me, I upset myself                                                                             I'm disturbing myself about that                                                                                Whatever someone else says or does is just an event                                       My thoughts cause my feelings, not events                                                           I'm responsible for how I feel, not others                                                                It's not their problem if I feel bad, it's mine                                                             It's not their job to make me feel better, it's mine

It's also important to not take unnecessary responsibility for how others make
themselves feel.  However they feel will be perfectly understandable, even if they
generate more emotion than is necessary or helpful.  It's part of being human.  However,
like us, they have a host of cognitive choices to make, that they alone can make, that
determine how they end up feeling, and the frequency, intensity and duration of any
emotions they generate.  We can't control how they make those choices any more than
they can control how we do.  They could disturb themselves a great deal over what most
people would consider nothing, or they could choose to look at things in a way that
causes them to not get upset about something most others would.  We're responsible
for what we say and do, but not how they choose to look at it, what they choose to think
it means, what they choose to focus on or compare things to, and so on.  The way they
do is understandable, but it's ultimately their choice and they, like us, will have to suffer
any emotional consequence there might be from making their cognitive choices that way.

You simply need to change the pronouns in the statements above to create statements
that will help you avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make
themselves fee.  For example, "It's THEIR choice how THEY look at things" or "No one
upsets THEM, THEY upset THEMSELVES".

The reason it's important to not take unnecessary responsibility for how others make
themselves feel is that they might use it against you to manipulate you.  That would
make you less free to make the best possible choice for yourself.  A second reason is
that you might then needlessly generate guilt and shame and  be prone to behave in
some unhealthy, self-defeating or even self-destructive way because of it.  Third, you
might then believe you need to defend yourself and only make matters worse in the long
run by saying and doing something else they perceive as inflammatory.

Locus of Control means where people see their feelings as coming from, what they see as
the cause of them.  Most people have an external locus of control.  They wrongly believe
that what others say and do, and what happens, makes them feel the way they do.  This
causes them to feel worse than necessary, for longer than they need to.  It can also cause
them to feel like a victim of their circumstances with no hope of feeling better.  Most
importantly, it can cause them to miss many opportunities to feel better.  

However, it's our thoughts about what happens that really causes how we feel.   The
formula for feelings is:   
                                       EVENT  +  THOUGHTS  =  FEELINGS  

Thoughts cause feelings, not events.  Remember one of the first algebraic formulas you
were taught?   a  +  b  =  c   Where a is a constant, and b is a variable.  If a stays the same
and you change b, c changes too.  Likewise, If an event stays the same, and you change
your thoughts about it, your feelings change, for the better or worse.

Dr. Ellis created the ABC Theory of Emotions, where A stood for an Activating Event, B
stood for the automatic and irrational Beliefs someone has about the event, and C stands
for what someone feels and does as a Consequence of their Beliefs about the Activating
Event.
                   ACTIVATING EVENT  +  BELIEF  =  CONSEQUENCES (feel, do)

We all have a host of cognitive choices we make all the time, usually without realizing it,
that determine how we feel.  They include:

                             How we LOOK at what happens                                        
                             What MEANING we attach to what happens                  
                             What we FOCUS on about what happens                      
                             What we COMPARE things to                                            
                             What we EXPECT of ourselves, others and lives         
                             What we IMAGINE will happen next                                  
                             How much IMPORTANCE we attach to what happens

We say we have a choice because there is always more than one way to look at anything,
more than one thing that something could mean, more than one thing to focus on or
compare things to, more than one thing we could expect or imagine ahead of time, and
varying degrees of importance we could attach to what happens.  When we pick one of
those many ways, we've technically made a choice.  The way we choose often tends to be
automatic and the choice we make is one we've made the same way many times before.  
That's why we tend to be relatively unaware that we've made a choice.  However, the way
we make these choices is not cast in stone.  We can learn to make them differently, and
with practice and rehearsal, making them in different ways can become as automatic as
the old ways were.

Logically, if how we think or look at things really determines how we feel, and we have a
choice as to how we look at things, then it's also true that it's our choice how we want to
feel.

The first time someone told me it was my choice how I wanted to feel, I didn't take it very
well.  You and others might not either.  People often misinterpret what is meant when
someone says that.  They often mistakenly think someone is saying,
   1)  "It's your fault you feel the way you do"
   2)  "There's something wrong with you for feeling that way"
   3)  Someone is discounting the importance of some event in their life.  
           This is especially likely, for example, if a person has recently experienced the         
            loss of a significant loved one
   4)  They wrongly believe that someone is somehow excusing the behavior of the             
         person who wronged them
That's why it's important to remember that anything we think, or end up feeling because
of it is perfectly understandable.

Developing an Internal Locus of Control means:
   1)  Learning the real cause of our feelings
   2)  Learning and remembering what our cognitive choices are
   3)  Learning to use this new knowledge to our advantage
   4)  Learning to recognzie what we do or don't have control over in life
   5)  Focusing on and working with what we have control over instead of things we
        don't  
We don't control what others think, feel, say or do.  We only control what we think, feel,
say and do.

We do little if anything in schools or anywhere else to teach or encourage young people
to have an internal locus of control.  If you listen to the way people talk, including
teachers, you'll see that we actually do quite the opposite.  The same will be true if you
listen to radio or TV personalities, or popular music.