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life events
fashion every time, they'll more often than not get the right answer to their problem. That's
how it is with everyday problems as well.
People have cognitive, emotional and behavioral RUTS in their brain. This makes it automatic
to think, feel, say and do things. It's why people often recreate their past, and their history
can become their destiny. That could be good or bad, depending on where those thoughts,
feelings and actions take people. Unfortunately, it often causes people to generate a
dysfunctional amount of emotion and to make the same unhealthy, self-defeating behavioral
and lifestyle choices they've made in the past. That's why Dr. Ellis developed a step-by-step
approach to help people get into better cognitive and emotional places to make better
behavioral and lifestyle choices. The steps are:
A = Activating Event
B = Beliefs
C = Consequences (feel, do)
D = Disputing
E = Effective Coping Statements
A = Activating Event
Events can be real or imagined. Imagined events are often a big component of what people
react to, especially when they generate anxiety. The two simple questions are:
1) What happened?
2) What, if anything, are you imagining will happen next because of that?
People like to tell their story, but we try to keep this part brief because the important thing is
what a person's BELIEFS are about the real or imagined events are.
C = Consequences
This entails what people FEEL and DO as a consequence of what they belief about the real
or imagined events, themselves, others and life. The basic questions are:
1) How did you make yourself feel when that happen, or do you make yourself feel
when you imagine those other things happening?
2) What, if anything, did you do because of how you made yourself feel, or are you
planning to do?
3) Did that/would that make your life better or worse?"
4) What might be your mistaken goal in doing that?
5) What do you really want?
B = Beliefs
Step B is called "THOUGHT CATCHING" because you try to catch thoughts that normally fly
through someone's mind at such high speed that they are not totally aware of them and
don't question or challenge them because of that. It's also called "TURNING PRIVATE TALK
INTO PUBLIC SPEECH". People feel, say and do all kinds of things that aren't in their best
interests because they keep secrets. What doesn't come out in words often comes out in
their behavior. What they think is the irrational logic of their behavior. The way they act
may be irrational, in that it makes their life worse instead of better, but it will seem more
logical or at least more understandable once we understand how they think or look at things.
The basic questions are:
1) What were you thinking when you made yourself feel that way?
2) What was going through your head?
3) What were you telling yourself?
It's not uncommon for people to answer "I don't know" to such questions. If they do, we
have to brainstorm what their beliefs might be and present them with a "line up", just like
police do when someone witnesses a crime. Here's a chart for brainstorming DEMANDS
You
He, she, they I This, It
How dare...? ___
How could...? ___ ___ ___
Can't ___ ___ ___
Shouldn't ___ ___ ___
Have to ___ ___ ___
Should ___ ___ ___
Need ___ ___ ___
To brainstorm the other three types of irrational beliefs, you simply add the real or imagined
events to the following phrases:
It's really AWFUL that + EVENT They're ______ for + EVENT
It'd be AWFUL if + Imagined EVENT They'd be _____ to + Imagined EVENT
I CAN'T STAND when + EVENT I'm _______ for + EVENT
I'd just die if + Imagined EVENT I'd be ______ to + Imagined EVENT
I'll go crazy if + Imagined EVENT
This is the step for correcting irrational thinking. Please see pages page 6 to learn more
about how to simply, but effectively dispute, question and challenge the four basic types of
irrational thoughts.
E = Effective Coping Statements
These are more rational thoughts you could have, or things you could tell yourself to help
you generate a more functional amount of emotion. They would be statements of fact
instead of opinions. For example:
No one has to do anything It's not that big a deal
People can say and do whatever they want to It's over and done with
I'd like that but I don't need it I've survived it before and I will again
I can only do so much No one's perfect
The only person I control is me We all make mistakes
It's not the end of the world We're all just fallible human beings
F = Functional Amount of Emotion
I added a step F to Dr. Ellis' original five steps. This is the goal of his steps.
have four basic choices. They are:
1) Problem Solve and Assert Yourself
2) Tolerate WITH Disturbance
3) Tolerate WITHOUT Disturbance
4) Leave
Dr. Ellis' steps would put you in the best cognitive and emotional place to exercise these
options.
People typically use YOU messages when expressing themselves while upset. They often
point their finger at the other person, and tell them what to do. No one likes that.
I MESSAGES simply give information like 1) what you don't like 2) how you feel, and 3) what
you want. It leaves the choice as to what to do about that information up to the other
person where it resides in the first place. If there is any finger pointing, it's usually at
yourself.
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