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A simple way to dispute, question or challenge what someone thinks, or says, is to ask a
simple question, "Is that a fact or opinion?" When people disturb themselves more than is
necessary or helpful, it's typically because they are thinking or expressing OPINIONS rather
than FACTS. The more someone thinks in terms of FACTS the less disturbable they'll be,
because those factual ways of looking at things are more likely to match the reality they're
confronted with.
They CAN'T say that about me (OPINION)
They can say whatever they want to (FACT)
The closer your thoughts match reality, the better mental health you'll enjoy. The bigger the
difference between your thoughts about the way life is or should be and reality, the less
mentally healthy you'll be, and the more you'll disturb yourself unnecessarily.
Demands often come in the form of a question like "How dare they...?", "How could they...?"
or "How could I...?" For example:
"How dare they talk to me like that?"
"How could someone act like that?"
"How could I have been so stupid?"
The implicit DEMANDS in such questions are that someone else SHOULDN'T and CAN'T talk
to you in some way you don't like, that they SHOULD or HAVE TO act the way you would
want them to instead of the way they did, and that you SHOULD, HAVE TO or MUST be
perfect and never make mistakes like most other human beings do.
The answer to all such questions is alway one word. EASILY!!!
If you practice and rehearse answering all such demands this way, you'll find yourself
starting to smile and laugh at yourself for making such ridiculous demands of yourself,
others and life.
Another way to dispute irrational thinking is to ask simple but direct questions. For example,
suppose someone makes the following DEMAND:
Belief: "That HAVE TO treat me with respect!"
Dispute: Why do they have to treat you with respect?
They have to, or you just want them to?
They have to, or you'd just like them to?
When people are first asked such questions, they usually start their response with
"Because...." Anything they say after that is the wrong answer. The correct answer is:
Answer: They don't have to treat you (me) with respect.
They don't have to do anything.
They don't have to, you (I) just want them to.
They don't have to, you'd (I'd) just like them to.
Another example: Belief: "They CAN'T talk to me like that"
Dispute: Why can't they talk to you like that?
They can't, or you just don't want them to?
They can't, or you just don't like when they do?
Answer: They can talk to you (me) like that
They can say and do whatever they want to
They can, I just don't want them to
They can, I just don't like when they do
You can do the same with the other three forms of irrational thinking. For example:
Belief: "It's really AWFUL that they did that?"
Dispute: Why is it so awful?
Is it awful, or just unpleasant?
Is it awful, or just inconvenient?
Is it awful, or just uncomfortable?
Is it awful like having cancer, or something like that?
Answer: It's not really awful
It's not awful, it's just unpleasant
It's not awful, it's just inconvenient
It's not awful, it's just uncomfortable
At least it's not as bad as having cancer, etc.
Belief: "I CAN'T STAND IT when people do that"
Dispute: Why can't you stand it?
Are you going to die or go crazy when they do that?
You can't stand it, or just don't like it?
Answer: I can stand it
I'm not going to die or go crazy just because of that
I can stand it, I just don't like it
Belief: "He's STUPID for doing that"
Dispute: Why is he stupid just because he did that?
He's stupid, or just did a stupid thing?
He's stupid, or just did something you didn't like?
He's stupid, or just a fallible human being like the rest of us?
Answer: He's not stupid just because of that
He's not stupid, he just did a stupid thing
He's not stupid, he just did something I didn't like
He's not stupid, he's just a fallible human being like the rest of us
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