Why Unconditional Self-Acceptance                         Is So Important When we believe we haven't lived up to our own expectations or others, we feel shame.   Shame is an important feeling to discuss for a number of reasons.  It's often the primary emotional disturbance that people seek relief from by drinking or using and abusing drugs, or even attempting suicide.  It can also be a secondary disturbance in that as Dr. Albert Ellis always said, "Shame blocks change". 1)  It keeps people from taking an objective look at what they think, feel, say or do.           2)  It makes them want to hide what they think, feel, say and do 3)  It makes people want to deny that anything is wrong 4)  It makes people less likely to avail themselves of help that is available 5)  It gives them more reason to use alcohol and drugs if they become addicted   Low self-esteem is often cited as the cause of much unhealthy, self-defeating behavior.   What people call low self-esteem is really 1)  Shame about past and current performances or behavior 2)  Intense anxiety about future ones because of the past How we view a problem often dictates how we try to solve it.  Too often, we try to make someone feel better about themselves.  Unfortunately, for reasons that will be discussed on subsequent pages, we technically can't do that. The best way to combat shame, and low self-esteem, is to teach people to have Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA).  You do that by encouraging them to believe that:    1)  Anything they think, feel, say or do, have in the past, or might in the future, is     perfectly understandable.   2)  That doesn't mean it was helpful, healthy or acceptable to others 3)  It just means that they'll never be the first person in human history to think, feel,                say or do something 4)  They'll never be the last either 5)  It's part of being human to do so   6)  They've got a lot of company   7)  We could all have thought, felt, said and done things better at times in our lives,                but no one's perfect 8)  Given our unique personal history, we all did the best we could under the     circumstance at the time.   9)  We're all Fallible Human Beings (FHBs) who at times think, feel, say and do                        things that make our lives worse instead of better 10) Therefore, it's nothing to be ashamed of
		Why Learning to evaluate your own thoughts, feelings and actions is important

Unconditional Other Acceptance (UOA) comes from looking at what other people think,
feel, say or do the same way.  Having UOA is the essence of tolerance, acceptance and
forgiveness.

As noted above, it's perfectly understandable for people to think, feel, say and do things
that make them feel worse than they need to, and that make their lives worse instead of
better.  It's part of being human.  However, no one reacts well to being told they are doing
something wrong.  People often generate shame and try to hide what they think, feel and
do and keep it secret.  Sometimes they get angry to protect themselves from feeling
ashamed.  Either the shame or anger can make them more likely to keep doing something
even if it is self-defeating and unhealthy for them.

That's why it's much better for all concerned if people can learn to self-evaluate their own
thought, feelings and actions.  They can do so by asking some simple questions of
themselves:

1)  What do you really want?  How do you want to feel?
2)  Does the way you think or look at things allow you to feel the way you'd like?  
    Does what you think, feel, say and do allow you to get what you really want?
3)  How's it working for you to think, feel, say and do what you do?
4)  Does it make your life better or worse to think, feel, say and do what you do?
5)  If you keep thinking what you are, and looking at things the way you do, will it be
    easier or harder to feel the way you want in the future?  If you keep thinking,
    feeling, saying and doing what you do, will it be easier or harder to get what you
    really want in the future?

When someone is involved in a relationship, there's an additional question:

6)  If someone else thinks, feels, says or does things they way this person does, are
    you likely to feel the way you want to feel with them?  Are you likely to get what
    you really want with or from them?

It's been said that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what
you've always gotten.  Likewise, if you keep thinking the way you always have, you'll
probably keep feeling the way you've always felt.  If you want to feel better, and have
things turn out better, you have to think, feel, say and do something different

What people think, feel, say and do to make them feel worse than is necessary or helpful
and make their lives worse instead of better is often automatic.  It's the product of "ruts"
created in their brains from repeated practice and rehearsal that they slip into without
realizing it.  That's what makes it hard to change.  However, it IS possible to change the
way we think, feel, say and do things.  It just takes practice and rehearsal.  We just need
to create new "ruts" for thinking, feeling, saying and doing things differently that can
compete with our old ones.