When we believe we haven't lived up to our own expectations or others, we feel SHAME.  Shame is an important feeling to discuss for a number of reasons.  It's often the primary emotional disturbance that people seek relief from by drinking or using and abusing drugs, or even attempting suicide.  It can also be a secondary disturbance in that:       1)  It makes people want to keep what they think and feel, or even do a secret       2)  It makes deny there's anything wrong, and pretend there isn't       3)  It makes people less likely to accept or ask for help that is available Dr. Albert Ellis use to sum of this effect by saying, "Shame blocks change". Low self-esteem is often cited as the cause of much unhealthy, self-defeating behavior.  What people call low self-esteem is really       1)  Shame about past and current performances or behavior       2)  Intense anxiety about future ones because of the past Shame also often plays out as anger, as people try to protect themselves from feeling ashamed when confronted by others.  Anger gives people a false sense of power, righteousness, permission and protection.  As long as they stay angry, they don't have to feel ashamed.   Unfortunately, teachers and parents often react to the anger rather than recognize it as a way the person is simply trying to protect him/herself against real and intense shame he/she is generating in their own minds. How we view a problem often dictates how we try to solve it.  Too often, we try to make someone feel better about themselves.  Unfortunately, for reasons that will be discussed on subsequent pages, we technically can't do that. The best way to combat shame, and low self-esteem, is to teach people to have Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA).  You do that by encouraging them to believe that:          1)    Anything they think, feel, say or do, have in the past, or might in the future, is                       perfectly understandable.         2)    That doesn't mean it's helpful, healthy or acceptable to others       3)    It just means that they'll never be the first person in human history to think, feel,                          say or do something       4)    And they'll never be the last either       5)    They'll always have a lot of company       6)    It's part of being human to do so         7)    Put anyone else through exactly what we have each been through, and they'd              probably end up thinking, feeling, saying and doing much the same things, and              maybe even worse         8)    We all could have thought, felt, said and done things better at times in our lives,                          but we did the best we could at the time given what our life experience had been                          like up until that point, and the situation we were confronted with             9)    No one's perfect, everyone makes mistakes       10)  It's why we have so many emergency rooms, paramedics, police, and therapists.         11)  We're all what Dr. Ellis used to call Fallible Human Beings (FHBs) who at times              think, feel, say and do things that make our lives worse instead of better Hopefully, someone would come to the logical conclusion that though whatever they think, feel, say or do is not helpful, healthy or acceptable to others, it is understandable, part of being human, and nothing to be ashame of.

Unconditional Other Acceptance (UOA) comes from looking at what other people think, feel, say or do the same way.

Skill #2:  Why recognizing Mistken Goals is important

Skill #3:  Why learning to evaluate your own thoughts, feelings and actions is important

As noted above, it's perfectly understandable for people to think, feel, say and do things that
make them feel worse than they need to, and that make their lives worse instead of better.  It's
part of being human.  However, no one reacts well to being told they are doing something
wrong, especially young people, and especially those who have been told many time that they
are.

That's why it's much better for all concerned if people can learn to self-evaluate their own
thoughts, feelings and actions.  They can do so by asking some simple questions of themselves:

      1)  What do I really want?  How do I really want to feel?
      2)  Does the way I think or look at things allow me to feel the way I'd really like to?  
           Does what I think, feel, say and do allow me to get what I really want?
      3)  How's it working for me to think, feel, say and do what I do now?
      4)  Does it make my life better or worse to think, feel, say and do what I do now?
      5)  If I keep thinking what I do now, and looking at things the way I do, will it be easier or
           harder to feel the way I want to in the future?  If I keep thinking, feeling, saying and
           doing what I do now, will it be easier or harder to get what I really want in the future?

When someone is involved in a relationship, there's an additional question:

      6)  If someone else thinks, feels, says or does things the way this person does, am I
           likely to ever feel the way I want to with them?  Am I likely to ever get what I really
           want with or from them?

It's been said that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've
always gotten.  Likewise, if you keep thinking the way you always have, you'll probably keep
feeling the way you've always felt.  If you want to feel better, and have things turn out better,
you have to think, feel, say and do something different

             "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it

                                                                             Albert Einstein

 Skill #4: Why it's important to understanding why change is     
                      hard, and what it takes to make changes

What people think, feel, say and do to make them feel worse than is necessary or helpful and
make their lives worse instead of better is often automatic.  It's the product of "ruts" created
in their brains from repeated practice and rehearsal that they slip into without realizing it.  
That's what makes it hard to change.  However, it IS possible to change the way we think, feel,
say and do things.  It just takes practice and rehearsal.  We just need to create new "ruts" for
thinking, feeling, saying and doing things differently that can compete with our old ones.

Rudolph Dreikurs watch children misbehave in classrooms, and said that when they do, they
typically have one or more of four "Mistaken" goals.  He called them Attention, Power, Revenge,
and Avoidance of Failure.  They were mistaken because the student got some immediate
satisfaction or reward, but in doing so, made it less likely they would get what they could, and
might really want in the long run.

People have similar mistaken goals outside the classroom.  Another common one is Withdrawal,
Avoidance and Relief.  They often try to withdraw from or avoid unpleasantness in their lives,
and get relief from the feelings that go with such unpleasantness, if only temporarily.

Skill #1:  Why Unconditional Self-Acceptance Is So Important